Saturday, March 27, 2010

Showing God's love

This morning early, Dan took the kids out for Elijah's baseball practice. I was left home in quiet peaceful bliss.(ok aside from the fact the house looks like mom went on a week long holiday) I was praying, Lord, I need to SEE some good. I need to know what good so far has come from Jackson being returned to his birthmom. I need to see it desperately. I KNOW your perspective is higher and better and eternity based, and mine is right here right now and filled with my own selfish hurts. So SHOW me. please?
Because, from my perspective, I see my baby went to an unstable woman. I see an unstable woman was given a huge new responsibility, and of course MY family is missing our baby.
He said, "she needed love. She needed to SEE MY love, she needed to be able to GIVE something love. And She needed to see the heart of the Lord out loud, up close and personal. She needed to see that I sacrificed MY only son for HER, and I would have done it even if she were the only one."
How can I say it wasn't for a good reason? I mean how do you talk to God and say, but you KNOW, I um, gave up a baby boy.... yeah, you just can't.

I now feel like a birth mom. I want pictures and updates. I feel like I placed a child. To any who think birthmoms jobs are easy, you are wrong. It is a painful decision. It was painful not to fight this or beg for legal action on my behalf. It was so hard to hear Him say, "build trust, show love, give back."

I have always wanted to be an advocate for adoption. To guide and lead young women to be able to make the choice to keep or to place. Now I can see clearer both sides. I have taken the Job way of dealing with this loss. When you have nothing else you CAN do, you fall on the ground and worship. You let God into the places that are filled with pain. You see that what HE says is true, regardless of the way things look or feel. He WILL restore-- my heart, my hope, my home. I will lie under the mushroom cloud of exploding emotions and just worship, wait and see. All the while listening for His voice.And waiting to see what I know he will do-- Big time Bless my obedience. HE never fails to do that.


anymommy said...

Oh Hezra, I am so sorry. I can't imagine your family's pain. Your faith is inspiring, truly. I'm thinking of you.

Teresa @ Grammy Girlfriend said...

Thinking of you....just found your blog and will be back to read more....Blessings for a beautiful Sunday