Butterfly Kisses(Spring Fling episode 2)

Ugh, My pictures are all in the wrong order. But it has been a long day and I have them on here so OH WELL!

Olivia was in Ballet this year. This is her third recital. Their song was "Butterfly Kisses" So sweet. Flittery, fluttery little girls everywhere. THIS age bracket did not abuse their wings OR each other. They were poised, pretty and somewhat calm. Although, after dealing with bent wings pinning wings,(and of course as soon as I pinned them a certain little one had to use the powder room!)So RE pinning wings. May I just say that next year I am going to ask(no, BEG) that we have costumes with no wings or wands?? It is so much fun watching Olivia in ballet. It is the same blissful happy look I see on Elijah's face when he plays ball. This "ahhh-- I am good at this and I like this!" sort of look. My budding ballerina has grace and beauty and such great form. It is amazing to see. I am just so proud of her. And may I just say, my heart melted when, at the end,She curtsied and she blew me a kiss! Such a sweetheart!

My sugarplum(spring fling episode 1)

Such Sweet feet!



This year at the Spring Fling recital, it was my Moriah's debut of dance. She is painfully shy and I cannot tell you how many times she would just leave class and put on her shoes and go because she was asked to try a new move. I asked her SO many times if she wanted to stop going to dance. She would cry and say "NO! I YIKE dance! I YIKE Miss Jenny!" so, we went. There was a sad sad sad day when I had to try the dance too to make her feel more comfortable. A woman in sz 14 Levis should NOT have to do ballet.
So, I have to admit, I was scared she would refuse to do the dance of the Sugar plum fairies for the recital. Dress rehearsal went off without a hitch. Then the day arrived. All the little sugarplum fairies were adorable. Wings. Wands. Satin. Tulle. Gorgeous slick little bunned hair. The moms took picture after picture of the sweet things. The minutes ticked by. Then the sugar plum fairies were running up and down the hall.
They were racing. They were climbing on the handrails. They were whacking people with their wands. There were runners in wings(!? I didn't even know this was possible!) Wings were sideways, wands were bent. Buns were loose and it was 15 minutes to show time.
Mom two and I were frantic, sweaty and chasing. Mom 3 just had a baby, so she was busy checking her lil one. The plan was, a few minutes before showtime, we had to leave them there in the hands of the sweet college kids who "watch them" while we sneaked in to be able to photograph their three second dance! Then we were to run like the wind to the back and around the auditorium to catch our babes on the OTHER side of the stage. Well, 2 minutes til start time. I kiss my baby tell her "show 'em how it's done Sweet!" and ran in. I got seated in time to snap on my camera and see my baby looking like a deer in the headlights. A flash of a look I had seen a thousand times ran across her face! She had seen the crowd. She was thinking of bolting. She knew where the exit was. She even looked that way for a brief second. Then the music started... and she danced the dance of the sugarplum fairies. My sweet, chubby tummied sugarplum danced! I snapped pictures like a maniac and breathed a sigh of relief. Then the music ended. She curtsied quickly and RAN like her tu tu was on FIRE for that stage exit!!! I took off like a flash. By the time we three moms got to the door where our girlies were supposed to be-- they were in the auditorium back in our seats! The girls got so excited they forgot they were supposed to wait for us and they ran to the daddies. I sat and thought, WHEW! one down, three to go. Spring fling was just getting started!

Take me out to the ballgame...

Elijah is the handsome kid on the far right. This was at our first scrimmage.
















Well, Baseball season has begun. Elijah has had one game and one rain out so far. He loves this game and it is so much fun to watch him have such a great time. He has been hitting harder and better this year so far. His coach asked what he has been up to because he has grown a lot over the winter and his hitting is so much better. We thought about it a while and Dan said, OH the guys have been playing with the N*rf swords! The boys battle with those so hard they may NEVER get worked up to wooden ones or, heaven forbid, real swords! He told me, "mom, I use the first second after the pitch to figure out where the ball will hit, then the next to meet it. If you take til three seconds, you miss it!" While I am not sure if he is completely right(um cause any skills he has with sports did NOT come from me!), his logic sounds good and he is really thinking this stuff out.
I think the best part is, that he really really likes the game. I heard a dad tell his kid "QUIT SMILING!" then someone must have asked him why he said that, because he said, "he plays better when he is mad." I felt so bad for that kid, because it seems so sad to take something that they love and twist it and pull all the fun out, or make it so competitive that they start to hate it. I am an awful "soccer mom" type. I am late. I am harried, and I have enough kids to have my OWN ball-team.(well, at least for some sports) I HATE trying to keep #4 safe during practices and games. I HATE feeling torn between watching the game and watching the other kids. I really stink at this stuff, but at the same time I really like letting them each do their fun thing, and for this kid it is baseball. I hope he never loses the love of the game.

Crabby

I am crabby. No, that is too nice of a word. Here is the problem. I have discovered I am not a cheerful giver, well, not when it involves babies anyway. I am STILL not over the whole baby going back to his mother thing. She asked me to friend her on FB and I did so I could see an updated pic of him. But it turns out, I am still not happy about the situation. I bagged up his clothes this week. The caseworker has closed her case. He is there. He is growing. I am mad. I guess that is the bottom line. I am angry. I am angry about the entire situation. This week was recital and at rehearsal, Isaiah asked a new mommy with her baby girl in a front pack if he could please "pet" her baby. Then he told her about our baby, and had to ask me "what was his name again mom?" I was trying hard to hold it together, but yes, watching him gently pet this baby's soft head and hearing him say, "yeah we miss him lots" was heart-wrenching. The frustrating part is that I have no idea what we are supposed to do. I know what I want, and I know what I would like to have happen. But I just feel like every time I pour my heart out to God I hear crickets chirping. It is odd, because I have always felt so able to hear Him so clearly. But this is baffling. I feel His presence. I know we are taking the right steps. We see a direction we think we should take-- foster care adoption. But we just wait. I don't know whether to leave the crib, build bunk beds, set up play space... school space... I just feel like NOT KNOWING what we will do is driving me batty. So we just wait. still. And I get pictures and updates about the birth-mom and how happy she is with her baby, and I am torn. I am glad for her to have him, I am glad for him to have his mom and bio grandparents and uncle... But I Miss him so badly that the pictures cause physical ache. Then I feel ridiculous and angry with myself. Even though I am justified and in fact I know it is healthy for me to BE angry about this-- just not live in that anger. I just want to move on. I want to hear His voice clearly again. I want to know at least a PART of the PLAN!! is that so bad?

clothes line entertainment

So, we don't have cable. I know we are an oddity of our current times. We do usually have access to NetFl*x and we stream movies and get a DVD once a week. The hubster had to be gone this week(5 days) for a conference three hrs from home. He took the firstborn too, which meant all our tech support was gone. Day 1: DVD player stops working. Dryer dies-- appears to be an electrical problem. sort of trips the breaker and light goes off-- but the breaker switches dont actually move. hmmmm, it responds slightly when I flip them. This scares me so I flip them off for the duration of his time away, and bought clothes line and clothes pins and take 10 yr old to baseball practice. Littlest pees my bed. Not only that, she was resting ON a nest of pillows and my beloved down comforter. 15 loads of laundry made by one small bladder. Day 2: sick of not having my shakes and bought a blender. While at wally world, I bought a replacement can opener, toaster, and mixer too. Yes mine were all broken. Netfl*ix stops working.(!?) I hang out a million loads of laundry. Didnt get to the mattress pad and comforter though. At three I have an appt with a lawyer concerning my grammas current state of medical care and the fact that I am her guardian legally. She needs to be in a home. I have to go with my mother and my little boy. Potential for disaster was great, but it went well. Little one cries off and on all night with earache. Day 3: Little one fine in the morning, so I cancel all thoughts of urgent care. Do another 15 loads of laundry(ok maybe just 5) and finally hang out the comforter and mattress pad. First baseball game of the season. #4 was a total brat at the game. The guys lost badly. I was still getting clothes in off the line at about 9:30. Day 4: we are getting used to the clothes line thing.#3 loves to help me. It is relaxing to be out in the breeze,to see the pillowcases and sheets flapping. Something serene exist in the cool comfort of the billowing fabrics. I am flooded with memories of being with my mama and hanging my baby brothers rows of cloth diapers out on the line. feeling the freckles popping out as we giggled with wooden clothespins between our teeth. The wicker basket made scratchy sounds on the grass as we slid it around to catch the diapers. I remember my brother toddling around wearing ONLY the last clean diaper, and mom looking at the sky wondering if rain would keep us from getting more out later. I loved the crispy folded stacks of exactly alike diapers. I was six. I look down at MY little girl who is 8 and wonder if she will think of this one day too. The animals have gotten in on the fun. The cats are certain the sheets are for their entertainment and we all laugh at how we will explain it to dad if they shred them. The sleepy sheepy had to be washed and thus dried. #4s "night night" had to hang on the line by his ears. The dogs were tortured because they LOVE stuffed animals. Much barking and jumping ensued as he was just out of reach. The dumber of the two dogs is Addy. She chases things. Leaves, butterflies, and of course -- shadows. This means clothes flapping on a line are extreeeeeemely intriguing. She may have doggy OCD. But it is super hysterical to watch. She also chases the shadows of kids on the swings. (can you see where this could be dangerous?) I said "oh no!" Olivia says, "yeah I KNOW! I klonked her good yesterday,"(accidentally) I said, "oh THAT is what is wrong with her!" My dear daughter says flippantly, "oh no, she was stupid before I klonked her."
There has been a ton of laughter over that clothesline this week. We have dropped a few things and had to rewash a few things. It has take TONS of time. But I am guessing it has saved us in the electrical bill department. It has had us entertained and forced outside. We now have stacks of fresh air filled towels and my sheets.....and that deliciously cozy comforter... it is as if they have all soaked up the sunshine into the very fibers of the fabric and transported it inside. I only hope I did the same.

humbling

I have learned that motherhood is humbling. From the very beginning. You have to actually degrade yourself to urinating on a stick! COME ON!! Then you announce to friends and family. THEN they all know what you have been up to! I blushed everytime I got the knowing glances and the hubster got the elbows to the ribs. Then, came the Dr visits. There were invasive exams that bordered on violation. Months went by as my firstborn grew. And grew. And grew. (side note-- you should ask how big of a baby your fella was BEFORE you decide to marry him and bear his children.) My firstborn had a 15 inch head and he weighed 8 lbs, 5 oz and he looked like a three month old baby! There were more people in that room to see his birth than I could imagine! I thought at that moment, that I had lost whatever tiny bits of my pride I had left. I was a shy and modest person before birthing a baby. I STILL am to a degree. But it was definitely a culture shock. Then the nurse actually grabbed me in certain places to teach the baby to "latch on and nurse properly" It was all very humbling and in fact a big reason I have had doula training and love to help with baby care. I want to help women to see that pregnancy, birth and breastfeeding can be done with discretion, dignity and honor. I love to serve women in that capacity.

As my kids have grown, I have had the embarrassment of not getting to bathe alone, or find moments to dress alone... I thought those were humbling. Then, this week, I had to have a head-shot photo session done by my almost 13 yr old boy.(for photography class!) He was ruthless. "mom that one makes you look as pale as a vampire!" "hmmm, you are not gonna like this!" "wow! your arms look HUGE!" "bhaaaa haa ha ha, oh mom you gotta see this one!" yes it was sad sad sad.... I said, "your job as the photographer is to find the subject's most flattering sides and angles." It took a few hundred photos and him saying "nope, that is not it" a lot, before he finally produced this:


and am I going to complain about the slight shadows or not so great lighting. Nope. Not me. I will scoop my dignity up.For it is like jello on the ground. I will piece together my self-esteem like a puzzle. I will hope that child learned something and I will hope to never have to do this again. Lesson learned!(on MY part anyway)

sunshine and smiles

Riley had a photography class assignment to take pictures of family. So I tried to help him get ideas. So these I took but I thought I should explain why HE was not in the following shots.

blue stuff

guess what? if you give a 5 yr old and a 6 yr old the blue mouthwash for kids(really cool-- it sort of temporarily stains the plaque, showing them where to brush more! you do this before they brush), and you put them in front of a couple of white sinks. Then you turn your back for a sec to check the 8 yr old's question. When you look back you will see two kids grinning all smurfy blue and the sinks will look like you ran the blue stuff through a sprinkler in your bathroom. I am trying to figure out if they actually learned anything. I did.

If you loan a 6 year old boy a camera....

Or even if he "borrows" it, forgetting to ask, you will get some odd photos. You will get a lot of pictures of him. Self- portraits with flair. And with Dad and with the dog. You will get a photo of the neighbors pool from on top of the privacy fence that if they really wanted privacy from six year old boys, they would build it about 4 feet higher and top it with barbed wire. You will get a fun glimpse into his day. and see the world from his perspective. Even through the slats of his clubhouse.



Yes this would be the neighbors pool. REALLY Sorry Mike, but it was just too funny not to post. And yes we DID have a talk with him about not doing it ever again, and about not picking your flowers or climbing your tree. Every day this week. He has served countless sentences of time out for all of them. We are trying, but he acts before thinking, though you will be happy to know, this is getting to be less and less often the case!


From his clubhouse to the neighbors...


peace out bro! I am just too cool for my mom's camera!


let's have a pose with the golden retriever-- come on Sam, get your whole nose in there.(thanks for not licking the lens!)



and with dad. or dads mouth anyway... hmm, it would appear that dogs and dads do not fit in the viewfinder...

The madness of mess

Oh my. I wake this morning. I hear the birds. I know there is spring occurring out there. But in here, it is like March Madness had a far different meaning than sports. Our March WAS madness. I know. In the hellish situation we found ourselves in with new baby and sudden loss... I think I went into zone out mode. Thanks to N*tflix. We have caught up on Elv*s movies and every episode of Lilo and stitch. But we also did not much else. We did our reading aloud. Baths and laundry and dishes. But seriously. Not much else. For two whole weeks. It is awful. I am sipping a cold Dr Pepper and trying to figure out where to begin. OH, I did do something else. I decided to patch the cracks in the livingroom floor(concrete) and repaint it. So, I happily started this project.Scootched furniture away and began. When the first third of the floor was done-- it looked AWESOME!! Then the second third... great!! Then, last night, the hubster helped me move furniture onto it because we had NO where else to stash a sofa and loveseat except on the dried part. Well, technically it needs 24-48 hrs to cure. So, it scuffed. Badly. I felt a little hopeless. Because, well, if we move furniture and it scuffs, we know what will happen when daily traffic hits it. So, now my livingroom feels all upside down, and every other room too. But where do I even begin? Seriously. Because every room I look into is worse than the last. Clean laundry has been mixed in with dirty. Every system I have has been obliterated. REALLY wishing for a fairy Godmother and a wand.....or singing birds and helpful mice??? oooh, I havent watched THOSE movies in a while...

My baby girl turns 5!

How does it happen!? Just 5 years ago, I was home alone with the 4 kids. Dan had a business trip. I begged him not to go. I said, I have a feeling our baby is coming soon. He said, "How could you know?? You aren't carrying it??" Well, I knew! I was right. I had a bag packed for each kid and a diaper bag ready. He left for his conference in another state. Then I got a call that the birthmom was heading to the hospital! It was late, she was in early labor. I had a two hour drive and four kids ages 7,5,3 and 13 mos! I couldn't sleep, so I got all our stuff ready. I buckled in the new infant seat. I called the hubster. He said he had to finish the trip, but he would rent a car(he was driving the group in a company car) and head back as fast as possible. We would meet in the middle at the hospital and we would both have a few hrs on the road. The baby was born in the early early morning. I couldn't STAND staying home knowing she was finally born! They said, "she has tons of dark hair and dark skin and big brown eyes! I loaded all the sleeping kids in their carseats and still in pjs. We drove without stopping! When I finally got to hold her, I was so in awe! She was just beautiful. Round cheeks, rosebud lips... and the nurses had put a tiny white bow in her hair. She was our smallest baby.
She was such a sweet little one. Calm, easy, and hardly ever cried! I had to wake her to feed her! We named her Moriah Isabelle Faith Moore. She soaked up the loving and snuggles and was a mama's girl from the start. She lived in the sling for her first 6 months! She loved when I would turn on Norah Jones and dance around the kitchen while we loaded the dishwasher at night. She loved my singing! Her first giggle was when she was only a few weeks old(no I am serious!!). When I was giving her a bath and washed under her little double chin, she giggled out loud!(yes she is still super tickly under her chin!(chins?)
Moriah is a beautiful little girl, inside and out. She loves with her whole heart and is cautious about everything. She is really shy. But she loves to sing, and dance and can giggle so hard it makes you laugh out loud. She loves kitties and puppies and anything small. Her favorite color is yellow, and she is my sunshine! Happy Birthday to Mama's sweet five year old girl!!

New hope

I have been emailing the baby's birth mom. We have built a strange but yes God built relationship. Finally after a week of building that trust, she sent me a picture and update of him. Then this morning.... the best news(no not that she wants to give him back, though that would be great) She said she has been asking a nurse about becoming a Christian. She says, seeing this baby, knowing he is depending on her, and his innocence has her seeking the VERY BEST life she can give him. So, I was able to tell her, that God had told me she needed to see HIS love up close and personal, and that He had sent His only son, and that He loves her so much, He would have done it, even if she were the only one. I told her I would love to share with her about how to become a Christian, and how having God help you make choices is such a great way to live-- not that your choices will be easier, but that you know what is right. I also told her how awesome it is to lead your child to the Lord. I told her that three of ours have become Christians and been baptized. I told her how awesome that feels.
So, that is my good news! It has been a week since the baby left our home. And God has done so much in one week! He has healed our family, He has shown us a purpose and a plan and He has turned a life that was without direction and hope into one who sees hope, love and the possibility of faith. I am excited to see how it turns out. Meanwhile, I asked our social worker about what we can do about another adoption, that I want to plan, save and pray and be prepared. She says she has a few birthmoms right now who just are not decided yet. So, if we want a newborn, that WE would be her first choice for placement!!!! So we have favor. She says fees, we can work out because we have a history with them! She has also the possibility of a young sibling group. So we are asking God to send us exactly what our family needs. And those who need us. But in the meantime, pray for this birthmom. She is so close to calling out to God and I might get to help with that! It is an awesome thing to see Him made strong in our weakness, and to see His plan even when it seems to make no sense to us. And I just know that if we desire a child so badly He won't leave us empty-armed either.

no other choice

Today I have had to make yet another hard decision. Well, it seemed almost made FOR me, but I still had to take action on it. I had to email our international agency and tell them to please put the girls back on the waiting lists. We are unable to continue. We had only asked for photos and the usual medical update type of information, and in a year and a half, their country has not given this. They then made so many demands and requests for information on our homestudy, that it took a YEAR! Then, we see they want us to sign over power of attorney to the lawyer there. His words last week about stabbed me in the heart. "the girls are available for adoption, and we are ready to begin this process." But they wanted us to show we were serious(um, by sending money I suppose?) While WE wanted them to prove the girls exist and So both failed adoptions in a single week. This has me feeling pretty down to say the least. I still am waiting to see how God fills the void and blesses obedience. I hope to see some good really soon.

the kid in the middle

This is an oldie... but a favorite. The baby is my little baby brother, Joe. The pretty lady would be my mom, the sweet sunshiney girl in the middle would be, oh! That would be ME! Then the oh so funny, rabbit ear making big brother is Paul. My older brother. I was the kid in the middle. The only girl child left at home.What are some things a girl learns when sandwiched betweeen a couple of determined guys like these?? She learns to always watch her back, guard her stuff and stay out of their way when they are trying something stupid.
My older brother taught me that there are some things in life you should NEVER try. Like smoking in the hay barn, riding your bike off the garage, and trying to pack three kids on a two kid sled.(in case you don't know what will happen-- the smallest kid on front WILL fall off and then the sled WILL glide over her and she MAY break a few teeth!) My little brother taught me to change diapers, fold cloth ones, and to love something smaller than myself.
They taught me to laugh, love and live. They were rough, rowdy and crazy, but they are also such loving amazing people. They are the absolute MOST amazing brothers! Yay for brothers and ode to the issue of being the kid in the middle.

Showing God's love

This morning early, Dan took the kids out for Elijah's baseball practice. I was left home in quiet peaceful bliss.(ok aside from the fact the house looks like mom went on a week long holiday) I was praying, Lord, I need to SEE some good. I need to know what good so far has come from Jackson being returned to his birthmom. I need to see it desperately. I KNOW your perspective is higher and better and eternity based, and mine is right here right now and filled with my own selfish hurts. So SHOW me. please?
Because, from my perspective, I see my baby went to an unstable woman. I see an unstable woman was given a huge new responsibility, and of course MY family is missing our baby.
He said, "she needed love. She needed to SEE MY love, she needed to be able to GIVE something love. And She needed to see the heart of the Lord out loud, up close and personal. She needed to see that I sacrificed MY only son for HER, and I would have done it even if she were the only one."
How can I say it wasn't for a good reason? I mean how do you talk to God and say, but you KNOW, I um, gave up a baby boy.... yeah, you just can't.

I now feel like a birth mom. I want pictures and updates. I feel like I placed a child. To any who think birthmoms jobs are easy, you are wrong. It is a painful decision. It was painful not to fight this or beg for legal action on my behalf. It was so hard to hear Him say, "build trust, show love, give back."


I have always wanted to be an advocate for adoption. To guide and lead young women to be able to make the choice to keep or to place. Now I can see clearer both sides. I have taken the Job way of dealing with this loss. When you have nothing else you CAN do, you fall on the ground and worship. You let God into the places that are filled with pain. You see that what HE says is true, regardless of the way things look or feel. He WILL restore-- my heart, my hope, my home. I will lie under the mushroom cloud of exploding emotions and just worship, wait and see. All the while listening for His voice.And waiting to see what I know he will do-- Big time Bless my obedience. HE never fails to do that.

a new day and crazy love

My sweet bloggy friend Linny has been an inspiration to me in so many ways!
her blog is here : www.aplacecalledsimplicity.blogspot.com
(sorry I can't get my make it a link button to work!)
This is an amazing family with such meek and humble hearts and a desire to help orphans like I have never seen before. She is having a Crazy love party. She is talking about giving above and beyond the tithe.

For Linny's blog party, those with needs are supposed to enter a post of their need. I am a far better giver than receiver so this is humbling and hard.
Dan and I have been married for 14 years. We have three bio kids and have two who have been blessed to our family through the gift of adoption. We recently(in case you are new here) adopted a third newborn. Within three days, his birthmom requested him back. It has been a challenge. A heartbreaking one!! The odd thing was, we were in the middle of an international adoption of two girls, 8 and 13. When the baby boy was born and needed a family immediately.
We have always gone to our interdenominational church "Victory life". It is an awesome body of believers that has several locations. (A huge and loving family of Godly people)
When we first got married, it was only a year before we found out we were expecting our first boy! Dan made not very much money, and it seemed our tithe was so much of the paycheck. But we had been taught, "you cannot afford NOT to tithe, do it and see God move" Be faithful with the little and he will make you rulers over much. Dan has been blessed with raises and promotions and Godly favor. He makes great money for our area, but due to circumstances (medical issues and such) we have no extra money really. It all has a place. We have been saving for the girls adoption, but just used a huge portion of that for bringing home a little one we did not get to keep. So now we are staring at nearly empty accts and wondering what do we do, and how do we do it. And that is just the money part! My emotions are shot. These two girls still are waiting for us, but their lawyer has just now said, "let's begin" We have been at this for 1 1/2 yrs!! I have no idea what to do. When God brought them up to me, I was so determined and so ready! When I said, what about the costs? HE said "freely you have given, and freely it shall be returned to you, pressed down, shaken together. . . . " We have had blessings(a great and cheap 12 passenger van! Clothes for girls! etc) But we are feeling so depressed we have about lost heart. I keep hearing "don't be weary in well-doing." But when we gave little Jackson back to his birthmom, we felt it was right, it was the meek, humble and selfless thing to do. But I also felt like, but Lord, what now?? We have always tithed, always given above and beyond to every need we could! Now I just feel as though MY heart has been pulled right out of my chest. We are looking to God for answers, direction, comfort and money. But we just have no idea what HE will do. I keep singing the Barlow girl song, "I believe in the sun even when it's not shining, I believe in love, even when I don't feel it, I believe in God, even when He is silent" So we are in wait and see mode. Listening and watching for His guidance and blessings and peace to show us where to go. If we receive any gifts of money they will go into that adoption acct. We are still hoping to get our girls home. We would like to hope That the little guys birthmom might change her mind, but not sure if it is selfishness or what on that one.
Our email address is
hezra_at_home@yahoo.com
so funny she has called this crazy love. I have been asked most often in our adoption journeys. "Are you out of your MIND?" hmm. Maybe so. Crazy loving is not such a bad thing when it gives a parent-less child a home though. Have a day filled with some crazy, chaotic, sweet loving!

googling grief

So, I google everything. Cause I am a nerd like that. And because I need to know stuff fast. I wanted to see how to help the kids move along those steps of grief as fluidly as possible. AND according to the 7 stages of grief... I don't know where the heck I am still. I thought maybe I was doing well because I can look at his crib without sobbing, I can see a picture of him and feel only slightly mushy and faint. I smelled the kids shampoo that I had used on him without falling in a heap. But then I have the slight hope she will change her mind again. So that probably means I am still not accepting it, so THAT means I am not trucking through the stupid stages of grief. Whatever. Stupid stages anyway, right?I do know that I have fully accepted the horrible feelings. I have let them wash over me like tidal waves and felt myself falling over and over. I do know I have tried to get us into a semi normal routine, even though what I WANT to do is hide under the covers. The hubster has gone back to work. I have immersed myself in kid-care and the house and laundry.


Yesterday we spent the whole day with dear friends. She is like a sister to me. We both have 5 kids, they have one who came by adoption as well, so we have that in common too. But we have been friends for 15 years. We have been at each others birth and we met them at the airport when they brought Sara home from South America. They asked us to stay the night that night! We are very close. Our kids dearest friends are their corresponding Reids. We hung out and the kids ran over the many acres in the cold windy sunshiney day. There were 10 puppies and 10 kids! Les gave me hugs, hot coffee and a box of kleenex. Then when the hubster got there.(mine) he brought kites and all the kids went to fly them. I will add pics when I get coffee flowing and can remember where the cord and batteries are. I have to say, it was very nice to get out of the house. It was SO good to have friends to go see. It was so good to see the kids so happy. The freedom of flying a kite was kind of nice too. So throw away the seven stages of grief thing, we know what has happened. We are dealing with it, but we also know we need to still see fun and life and friends. So we can't be too bad off.

living truth

True grace is letting God be strong when we are weak. True faith is trusting Him when we don't understand the reasons. I sure God's hand holds us, but it is so hard to tell that to my head. My heart FEELS His presence, but my head cries out for "fairness" and my own selfish way. True life is feeling the roller coaster of the ups and downs, the waves of pain then the swirls of joy. But right now, I would just like to rest for a moment in His utmost peace. That one He talks about that passes all understanding. I know it, I have felt it before, and even today, I have had moments of it.

Lord grant us your Peace.Help us feel your presence and may your Comforter keep us. May my children not feel that the pain of love makes it an unbearable act. Help them to see the truth of You even in their pain.

sad news

We could desperately use your prayers. our baby's birthmom changed her mind. The social worker just left with him. She did this in the 72 hr time frame and it is legal. We are grieving, but the hard part is knowing I would have done the same thing. My kids are grieving really hard here. That is a really big part of MY frustration and anger. It is such a shocker, she had not given us nor the social worker any signs of changing her mind. She was stoic and fully determined. Outwardly anyway. But we are entrusting Jackson into God's care. We do know we gave him all the possible love and affection and prayers posible for the little guy in his first few days. We know he is in HIS hands. And so are our hearts. But please pray. I have so much to box up and take apart. I have crying kids. I am a sobbing mess. Even the hubster is really broken. But I also know God works ALL things together for our good. He can make good of any thing at all. Thanks for all your prayers that I know you will send up on our behalf.

Jackson and family

HERE HE IS!!!


Elijah thinks he is so tiny.


Isaiah and Jackson.


Moriah loves that "my new baby has hair just yike MINE!"


Riley sure is loving his new brother.


Jackson!!


(Olivia is in love)