Saturday, April 17, 2010


I am crabby. No, that is too nice of a word. Here is the problem. I have discovered I am not a cheerful giver, well, not when it involves babies anyway. I am STILL not over the whole baby going back to his mother thing. She asked me to friend her on FB and I did so I could see an updated pic of him. But it turns out, I am still not happy about the situation. I bagged up his clothes this week. The caseworker has closed her case. He is there. He is growing. I am mad. I guess that is the bottom line. I am angry. I am angry about the entire situation. This week was recital and at rehearsal, Isaiah asked a new mommy with her baby girl in a front pack if he could please "pet" her baby. Then he told her about our baby, and had to ask me "what was his name again mom?" I was trying hard to hold it together, but yes, watching him gently pet this baby's soft head and hearing him say, "yeah we miss him lots" was heart-wrenching. The frustrating part is that I have no idea what we are supposed to do. I know what I want, and I know what I would like to have happen. But I just feel like every time I pour my heart out to God I hear crickets chirping. It is odd, because I have always felt so able to hear Him so clearly. But this is baffling. I feel His presence. I know we are taking the right steps. We see a direction we think we should take-- foster care adoption. But we just wait. I don't know whether to leave the crib, build bunk beds, set up play space... school space... I just feel like NOT KNOWING what we will do is driving me batty. So we just wait. still. And I get pictures and updates about the birth-mom and how happy she is with her baby, and I am torn. I am glad for her to have him, I am glad for him to have his mom and bio grandparents and uncle... But I Miss him so badly that the pictures cause physical ache. Then I feel ridiculous and angry with myself. Even though I am justified and in fact I know it is healthy for me to BE angry about this-- just not live in that anger. I just want to move on. I want to hear His voice clearly again. I want to know at least a PART of the PLAN!! is that so bad?


Jean said...

Oh Hezra- it is so confusing. I do not have any wonderful advice for you- but I do feel your pain. I can't imagine holding the precious child only to have him taken from your arms. On top of that it's not just us it's the children that are already loving their brother... and then everything changes.

I'm praying for your and your family sweet friend- for healing and for peace. (no more crickets)

The Byrd's Nest said...

I am praying for you my friend....I am a little thankful you are a little are right, it IS healthy! I loved Lottie and Emma long before I saw their actual faces in an e-mail, so I cannot even imagine actually holding them.......taking them home and then giving them back. You are strong though my truly are....God would never allow you to go through these situations if you could not handle it.......I remain on my knees and pray that He reveals His plan to you soon. Big hugs my sweet friend.